... As long as I'm living my baby you'll be!

The Day I Fell In Love With My Son

            Most mothers fall in love with their child the first moment they see them.  Frequently, while pregnant with my son, I had dreamt of the first time our eyes would meet, and naturally my thoughts were always "love at first sight.” In reality the emotional trauma I felt was more like a nightmare than a dream.  This nightmare turned into depression, which filled my life with unbearable pain.  The day of my son's birth was not the day I fell in love with him; I was left feeling like a failure as well as a terrible mother, and it would be many months before the postpartum depression would eventually pass.

            After ten hours of labor my doctor informed me that she needed to perform an emergency cesarean section.  This was my first surgery, although I had seen it performed repeatedly on televised baby shows, I was still terrified.  Within minutes they announced calmly, "It's a boy."  They didn't show him to me and I didn't hear him crying!  I saw someone carrying a baby, who looked deep into my eyes, to a table to be cleaned and cared for.  I felt numb and empty at the same time.  I looked at my excited husband and wondered why I didn't feel that way also?  Why did this little boy, who looked straight to me, seem to know who I was, and why was I so confused about who he was?  Little did I know that at that moment postpartum depression had already begun, and I wouldn't be diagnosed until six months later.  While in recovery, after being pumped full of drugs to calm my nerves and to fix a mistake made by my anesthesiologist, I finally got to hold him for the first time.  I wanted to be a good mother, I cared for him, and I knew that I was happy to be his mother, yet I still did not feel that he was mine.

            It took months from that day in the hospital for me to realize the depression and feelings I had were not my fault.  One day I looked in the mirror and told myself that I was a good mother, with a beautiful boy that made me very happy.  The day I fell in love with my son was in August of 2008, twenty-one months after his birth.  Like every night my husband and I tucked our son into bed, and later that night on our way to bed we check on him.  While standing over my son's crib. I broke down in tears.  I felt this rush of emotion, and it flooded every part of my body.  I knew he was mine, and that I loved him more than anyone else.  I knew that who I was as a mother would change because of my love for him, and that I would be able to heal from my feelings of failure.  For the first time as a mother my heart was full and my head was clear.

            I never knew that some mothers miss their "love at first sight" moments at birth.  Through prayer, patience, and support from my husband, my heart healed and opened to my son.  My postpartum depression faded and allowed me to see clearly.  I realized that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and most times it is out of our control.  It took twenty-one months to realize that I was in love with my son from the moment the stick turned blue.  I feel now that I have healed.  I can move forward and fall in love with a future child, preferably on the day of his/her birth.

May is Postpartum Depression Awareness Month

If you have any symptoms of depression please seek help!

http://www.postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts.aspx